can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
