Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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