She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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