Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I FOUND THE LEGS
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
