What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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