Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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