Don't you send me to vm
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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