You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
