Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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