I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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