I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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