i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
