i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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