FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
