never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
