I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize