On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
A+ Viking dick
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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