he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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