I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
