im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
