My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize