The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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