i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I wish you could order shots online.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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