I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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