woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Randomize
