do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
