Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
