I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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