dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
