Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
