ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
