i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
