I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
