Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
