I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
