If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
