One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
