You surviving the open bar?
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My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
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