you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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