omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
