Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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