Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
