I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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