I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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