FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
