The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize
