I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
