I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
