she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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