Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
