He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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