I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
