***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Boobs speak an international language.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
