Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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