um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
