i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
please come you make the beer taste better
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
