I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Still dying that you shit outside
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
